Future Pretense
What's in store for Windows after 98

You've been reading about Windows 98 for the last year, and pretty soon you'll be able to buy it and try it out for yourself. And that means it's time for us in the computer press to start writing about the operating system that will truly transform the way we live and work-the big change, the revolutionary paradigm, the OS that promises to do all of the wonderful things that earlier OSes failed to keep their promises about-Windows 00.

I based this review on an early alpha copy of Windows 00 that was sent to me by an irate former Microsoft employee who prefers to remain jobless. The CD was smuggled out of the Microsoft offices in a bag of money and transported by a courier disguised as a former lover of President Clinton.

The first thing you notice when you load Windows 00 is the sound of your modem, for this OS is totally integrated with the Internet. In fact, you cannot run it without an Internet connection. If you do not have an ISP, Windows 00 automatically signs you up with the brand new Microsoft TCP/IP Access Kilobit Environment (MSTAKE). If you already have an ISP account, Windows 00 cancels it before signing you up with MSTAKE.

The once-familiar desktop is gone, replaced by an Internet Explorer-type window called the Internet Utility Desktop. Everything you do in Windows 00, from reading e-mail to formatting floppies, you do through IUD. Launching a program is as simple as visiting a Web site: Just type in a long URL, wait for large graphics to download, and get told that the server is busy.

For instance, consider how you defrag your hard drive at the Disk Defragmenter page. Here, under a banner advertisement for Microsoft Office 2001 ("Use the competition, and we'll format your hard drive"), are options to optimize individual pages or the whole site. Check the latter option, click Start, and a ProActiveX applet starts uploading the contents of your hard drive to the MSTAKE server, where your files are defragged and checked for copyright violations. Then everything is downloaded back to you, complete with a new password and suggestions on what Microsoft products you might want to buy.

Channels have also been greatly enhanced. Windows 00 frees you from the burdensome step of having to subscribe to a particular channel in order to receive it. Thanks to its new Shove technology, the operating system will constantly feed you information from all of the major news and entertainment sources that could meet the strict technical specifications for sending Microsoft checks.

NT Promises

Not all of Windows 00's improvements are Internet based. This will be the first consumer-oriented version of Windows designed around the NT kernel, making it far less likely to crash, as it will be nearly impossible to boot.

To make the NT kernel program more accessible to the average user, Microsoft has wrapped a layer of user-friendly interfaces around it. Windows 00 will be the public's first introduction to the wonders of Beginner-Engineered NT or BENT.

How does this differ from conventional NT? Here's one example. Microsoft usability studies have shown that semiexperienced users found pressing Ctrl+Alt+Delete to be a difficult and nerve-wracking way to start a computing session. So with BENT, that's been changed to Ctrl+Alt+Caps, Lock+5+Scroll, Lock+Shift. To turn off the computer, you press Ctrl+Alt+Caps, Lock+5+Scroll, Lock+Backspace.

As befits an NT- and Internet-based OS, Windows 00 takes security very seriously. After you've pressed those keys, Windows 00 will ask for your initialization password. To guard against hackers trying to break into your system, an incorrect guess will remove all of your sensitive data. Once you've passed this hurdle and brought up IUD, you'll be asked for your application access password, which, as an extra precaution, cannot be the same as your initialization password. If you enter the wrong word here, Windows 00 will wipe your hard drive clean.

Finally, to access any of the data in your My Documents folder (which is actually a mirror of your Not Really Mine folder, residing on the Microsoft server), you must enter your data-authorization-and-permission-requested-to-go-about-my-business password, which again must be unique. An incorrect entry here results in a visit from the FBI.

As an added precaution, Windows 00 automatically changes all three passwords once a quarter.

Should you hold off buying your next computer until Windows 00 becomes available? Definitely. The longer you go without a computer, the happier you'll be. If you already have a computer, should you upgrade to Windows 00 when it becomes available? If you want to be on the cutting edge, use the latest software, and live in a stable, secure, Internet-enabled environment, you will have no other choice. If you want to get work done, don't even consider it.

© 1998 Lincoln Spector. All rights reserved.

Lincoln Spector is a freelance writer living-or at least scraping by-in Berkeley. You can reach him at lincoln@dnai.com, through his Web site at www.dnai.com/~lincoln, or care of Computer Currents.

Gigglebytes is a satirical column loosely based on computer industry events, trends, and people. The opinions expressed in this column are the writer's and do not necessarily reflect those of Computer Currents.